Loosening the Grip

“One of the most difficult responsibilities of a mother is the process of letting go… As
mothers we have this incredible desire to be with them every step of the way. We
know we need to let go, yet we want to walk with them just a little longer. We
feel torn as we recognize new levels of independence. We struggle with our
identity as they take steps away from us. It is a bittersweet experience at
times knowing that their independence is the ultimate goal of motherhood, yet
wanting time to slow down.” jill savage, professionalizing motherhood

Over two months ago, I read this quote as I endlessly searched for writers and authors who documented similar feelings I was experiencing as my older son’s second birthday quickly approached. I needed some type of affirmation that the rollercoaster upon which I was riding was a frequent ride in the journey of motherhood. For the longest time I invested conversation in my husband begging for empathy that he too felt dismayed with our children growing up so fast.

“Sure,” he would agree with no further details. “But that’s life.”

So simple, I would think to myself. Isn’t there more?

“But doesn’t it make you sad?! To see how quickly the kids are growing?” I would plead. With each question my voice became more desperate. Sensing this, he again would agree with nothing further discussed. I persisted.

“Well, I mean, Justine is now fourteen. Obviously you must also feel a larger array of bittersweet feelings, Jas, right? How do you deal with it? The sadness you feel to acknowledge how quickly your life is traveling and the light speed at which your kids are growing, how do you make that pain go away?”

He paused, and his quiet response was simple, yet genuine as I realized that he also feels the same, but just responds to the pain differently.

He sadly replied, “You can‘t. You just accept it.”

With that last comment before drifting off to sleep, I quietly stained my pillowcase with tears that this feeling is real, and that even a human with concentrated levels of testosterone can experience this bittersweet ride although maybe fathers deal with this differently. However, I had to acknowledge and continue to struggle with the fact that the principal of letting go is something I must begin to practice regardless of how unwilling I am to do it.

Perhaps, instead, someday I’ll figure out how exactly we can slow time.